Learning what I want (a fragment)

I never found it easy to “know” what I wanted, sexually. I have all sorts of stories as to how this was, as to why this was. And, like many people, I learned what I wanted not so much by thoughts in my head that began with the words, “I want….” but by what I found in the world. In my earliest sexual days, I learned from how my body responded to the world around me. I saw what made my cock hard, what didn’t. In my later years, once I became an explicitly sexual being, I was – like so many people – confused by what I thought I was supposed to like, by what I thought I was supposed to want. The disconnect between that and what I did want confused me. For years. To great negative effect.

As I progressed down my rabbit hole of compensated sex, something happened, though. Occasionally, I would meet a woman who would teach me what I wanted. Not explicitly. But by stumbling with me on something. And, I became a more curious, and less judgmental, observer of my own behavior – even as that very behavior became “worse” and “worse.” Said differently: it’s not that I exempted myself from judgment, but rather, that I came to understand the problem wasn’t what I wanted, but what I did. The “wanting” part, actually, was pretty healthy; it was the “doing” part that was less so.

So. I learned. I learned (something I knew all along, but somehow didn’t understand) that oral sex is my fucking grail. Giving. Getting. Isabella taught me this.

I learned that I liked watching women masturbate. I learned that I liked it better if they were masturbating for me. I suppose I knew this in my bones when, at 11, I hunted and hunted for images of women with their fingers penetrating their pussies (to no avail). I learned it in my 30s when I found myself hiring women to do just that for me on CraigsList, and then, incorporated it into my paid threesomes and foursomes. And I learned it in my 40s and since, as I’ve instructed so very many very generous women to come for me, and to show me as they do so – and they’ve gotten off doing it.

I learned that I liked the safety that dominance brings me. The secretary taught me this. Her submission was so pervasive, so freely given, that it felt almost inevitable. And she was kind, and generous, in helping me find my dominance, helping give it shape.

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