Marina and I are at a bit of an inflection point: she has another relationship, as I’ve written, that seems likely to consume more of her time and energy. It’s a real relationship, with an “appropriate” (i.e., age-appropriate, single, proximal) person. It scares me, both neurotically – because I fear all men as my “rivals” – and practically – because I’ve consumed so much of Marina’s time, energy, and orgasms the last few months that if he has a claim on some of those things, it necessarily will detract from my access to her.
That’s ok. I mean, inasmuch as this blog is about me me me, it’s a problem for me. But it’s the kind of problem a big boy like me needs a) to deal with, and b) not to make Marina’s problem. So I’m committed to that.
Also: mostly at my request/direction, Marina’s been talking with various people who are important to her about me, to greater and lesser degrees. And at least a couple have, as you might expect, expressed concern: “WTF are you doing with this married dude far away much older with family?!?” With, in at least one instance, a layer of, “Is he dangerous?”
I asked Marina to have some of these conversations for a couple of reasons. First, of course, there’s my narcissism. The idea of Marina – a sexy, smart, open woman talking about me to her sexy, smart, open friends – it makes my cock hard. The expression “my ears are burning” doesn’t begin to describe the bodily reactions I have to the knowledge that such conversations are taking place. A much more accurate description? It makes my chest swell, my brain tickle, and my cock ache to imagine those conversations.
I also asked her to have them, though, because Marina’s appetite for risk, and her assessment of risk, is… different than mine. This is a woman who has sent me nearly a terabyte of porn featuring her face and her cunt; dozens of orgasms, and all of it, from an e-mail account with her actual, real-life name on it.
I happily collect the porn she sends, and, as she knows, I am safe. I’m not going to violate her trust, ever, in any way. And/but – and I told her this – I’m unclear about the wisdom of her trusting anyone, ever, in that way. And while of course, I know that I am safe, while I know that, even were she to break my heart (or my dick) in the cruelest way, I just never, ever, would violate that trust – I also know that the world is filled with crazy people. I also know that people often look one way when they are in the throes of a relationship, and completely, completely different, discontinuous, unrecognizable, in the throes of heartbreak.
I write about my exes from time to time because, well, that’s not me, and I like to paint a comprehensive picture of me, warts and all. And I think it’s important that prospective relationship partners of mine understand who I am, where I come from, and what the full arc of relationships with me has looked like.
This part of this post is directed at Marina’s friends: you are right to be concerned. Not because I ever would harm Marina; I wouldn’t. I won’t. But because we all need friends looking out for us, checking our perspectives on things. And she needs you.
A couple of aspects of our relationship have raised an eyebrow or two among her friends (other than the basic structure – married older sex blogger far away – about which I can do nothing, and which, in the end, is a highly subjective sort of concern). There is, for example, the possibility of our meeting in person. Whether in my city, hers, or in between. That possibility, understandably, raises the anxiety level in those who are protective of her (including me). Here’s what I have to say about that: people who know me know that I’m not a threat. Or at least, that the threat I pose is the garden-variety threat of emotional tumult that comes with any real relationship. People who only have the structure of the relationship to go by might reasonably fear all sorts of other threats. I appreciate that. In both the sense that I can see it, and in the sense that I am grateful that others can see it.
For that reason, I’m eager to submit myself to vetting. If you’re concerned about Marina, and if you’re concerned about me, well then, by all means: challenge me. Challenge her. Ask her tough questions. Ask me tough questions (if you wish). Get to know our relationship. Get to know me. I welcome your concern on her behalf. I’m grateful for it.
That is all for now.