I was recently asked if my hunger had diminished.
It’s certainly true that, in the years since I began this blog, my activity has diminished. I have less sex, with fewer people, and it’s less adventurous.
But has my hunger diminished?
I’ve written, before, that I think of anger as a sort of secondary emotion. In me, at least, I feel anger instead of other emotions. I feel anger instead of fear, instead of sadness, instead of impotence, instead of pain. If I take a magnifying glass to my anger, invariably, I can find another emotion.
Similarly, I feel sexual hunger instead of other things.
This, I think, is pathology. It’s not unusual pathology, but it is my pathology.
My default stance is a position of… deadness. If you search this blog for that word, you’ll find it a lot. I don’t think it would be wrong to understand an enormous part of my adult activities as calculated to counteract my overwhelming sense of internal deadness. I don’t say that’s a bad thing. Or a good thing. It’s more just a thing.
In 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, I used this blog, and the women I wrote about in it (some, of course, more effectively than others) to feel alive, to counteract the deadness inside of me. In the years prior to 2009, when I was a CPOS, I had a variety of strategies, most of which involved paying women. In the last few years? It’s been complicated. I’ve tried, hard, to use this blog, to use sex, sexuality, women. I’ve also tried to use my intellectual life. My professional life.
And, all along, I’ve tried to use my family life – sometimes more, and more effectively, than others. But in the last 10+ years, it’s been far and away the largest way in which I’ve been able to feel alive.
But here’s the thing: while all that’s true, as far as it goes, it doesn’t begin to get to the genesis of my hunger. I feel anger because, on some level, it’s safer than fear, or sadness, or impotence, or pain. My body produces it, generates it.
In me, at least, except when it comes to food, hunger isn’t something my body generates. It’s not an endogenous phenomenon. For the most part, my hunger is invoked. For me to be sexually hungry, I need my food splayed out before me.
I’m not alone in this: contrary to what we think, most of us don’t look at porn because we’re horny; we look at porn because we want to feel horny.
For me, sexual hunger is almost always a co-created state. I need your help. I don’t bring my hunger to the dance; I bring my appetite.
I need your help in generating it.