My good friend, Liza, who has a plethora of blogs (with the lovely Livia Writes) and Tumblrs and Twitter accounts (I’ve lost count, honestly) asked, on Twitter, “Q for kinky friends: what’s it like when you fall into a rut with your partner? How do you shake things up when you’re on diff pages?”
I’m not sure what the preamble means – why the question is directed just to kinksters, or whether she imagines that kinksters have different answers than more vanilla folk. And, for the record, I think of myself as pretty vanilla, notwithstanding my tendency toward mild, sensual, dominance.
But let me tackle the question:
First and foremost, there are two different questions embedded in those 140 (or fewer) characters: there’s “rut” and there’s “diff pages.” In my experience, the “rut” is actually the opposite of the “diff pages” question. A rut happens when two people find themselves repeating patterns, and as a result, not going new, exciting, fun places together. Generally, I think ruts are underrated: calling something a “rut” is a way of making sure we feel bad about getting something that feels safe and good for us, something that, evidently, we want (more than we want new, exciting stuff). It’s a way of chastising ourselves for being less exciting than we think we wish we were (when, in fact, if we really wanted to be more exciting, presumably we would be because, after all, what’s stopping us?).
The “diff pages” question is harder. When two partners are on different pages – one wants more, the other wants less; one wants rougher, the other wants gentler; one wants dominance, the other wants dominance – now that’s a problem. That’s more difficult to resolve. There are two keys to resolving that situation: the first is communication. (Don’t get me wrong. I actually think communication is overrated as a feature of relationships. But I think in this situation, it’s vital.) Not so much to communicate desires as to avoid resentment. Resentment is toxic, and whenever someone isn’t getting what s/he wants, we tend to blame someone else. So it’s best to get that shit out in the open early and often.
The other key? Selfishness. The solution to not getting what you want sexually is to take what you want, to make it so. Now, obviously, sometimes, this isn’t possible: no one can make me walk around behind her and fuck her hard while pulling her hair. But you can position yourself, and say to me, “I’m not sucking your cock ‘til you fuck me hard while pulling my hair.” And I can’t compel you to suck my cock for hours at a time, but I can tell you that that’s what I want, and that I’m going to hold your head down on me until I’m satisfied the next time you come near me.
A postscript: like any good advice-giver, it’s much easier to give advice than to follow it. I’m not always so good at following this particular advice. But I do think it’s good.
What do you think?