Sex and aggression: I’ve always had a hard time with these two drives. I’ve always strived to get in touch with my aggression, to treat the women with whom I have sex well, but at the same time, to hit them hard enough, to fuck them hard enough.
The truth is, you see, I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Or, most of the time, I don’t.
There was that time with V when I was frustrated at her partial unavailability to me. There was that time the Porcelain Doll pled with me: “Humiliate me. Hurt me.” And there was E, whom I simply couldn’t hit hard enough.
But, for the most part, when I hit someone, it’s because I know it turns her on, not because I’m giving vent to my aggression.
The last few days, though, I’ve been feeling an unfamiliar desire: I want to hurt someone. Not in a remotely un-consensual way, not someone who doesn’t want me to hurt her. But I want to inflict pain, not just to deliver pleasure.