I’m flattered to be there, and grateful. And it reminded me of a self-effacing post I had meant to put up a while back.
A few weeks ago, Rori of Between My Sheets included me as #78 on her list of the top 100 sex bloggers of 2012. I confess, I was half thrilled (“Woo-hoo! I’m one of the best!”), half pissed (“Really?!? 78?”), and half amused (“How did she decide that I was better than #79, but not quite as good as #77?”). Her list is an unapologetically subjective review. And I should note that many of my favorite sex bloggers were even further down than I. I take no pleasure in this, as several of these are, objectively, simply better blogs than this one:
- Liza, with Always Each Other, came in at #83.
Shelby Cross, Writer, came in at #88.
Being Black Silk came in at #89.
A Tale of Bi and Bi came in at #92.
Curvaceous Dee came in at #93.
Jack and Jill of Frisky in the 916 came in at #96.
Obviously, her list is subjective, and I guess it’s not surprising that many of the blogs I like most – blogs that feature not just smut but thoughts – were huddled together in the same neighborhood. Also, and I guess it’s fair to say, I’m not so crazy about Rori’s blog itself (this isn’t to say it’s not quality, just to say that it’s not really my cuppatea, and if I were ranking the top 100 blogs, I might rank her around, oh, say, 78, too.
One of the first things I did when I saw the list was to click on a number of those (way) ahead of me, to see if there are things they’re doing that make them much better than me, and the honest answer is, while there are some who are slicker or more polished or who have more robust publishing platforms, in terms of content, there’s not a lot that I aspire to be more like. (Notable exception: Hyacinth, of “A Dissolute Life Means” I really like her mix of thoughtfulness, sexiness, and exhibitionism – emotional and physical.)
But this all is bitchiness on my part. My feelings were hurt that anyone would rank me #78. As I wrote the other day, I spent most of my life believing I was #1, so being ranked #2 (let alone #78) stings. For a moment.
And then I remember:
I do this for me. And for you – the people who actually care about what I have to say, who like it, who care, even occasionally, about the words I write. And whether Rori (whom I don’t know, whose blog I don’t read regularly) ranks me #1 or #78 or #100 doesn’t matter a whit in my life.
And yet? I still want to be #1.
Maybe in 2013….