T and I were debriefing about last night. We had a debauched time on a boat in New York harbor, and I wrote up a brief post describing our time. You’ll read a version of that post shortly, but not quite yet.
T’s immediate response to my first draft was, “I don’t want our son to have to read (when he’s 30) about his mom’s having done those things.” Of course, the poor kid is going to have to read about a shit-ton of stuff his Dad did when he’s 30, if he chooses to. But that’s another story…. T’s point was that it’s different for a boy to read about his mom’s being a slut than it is for him to read about his dad’s being a slut. My mom died when I was an adolescent, and her sexuality and mine are entwined, entangled, in all sorts of complex and problematic ways. But I don’t have any fantasy that my mom was either a virgin or a whore: I imagine her as a sexually complex woman who was, for the most part, fairly self-actualized, though with a complicated interaction between her sexual desire and her politics. I don’t imagine that it would be particularly hard for me to learn that she was, say, into being gangbanged, or whatever – if anything, the opposite. I think I’d welcome a contemporaneous account of my mom’s sexuality as being instructive, informative, enlightening. But perhaps this differentiates me from 99% of my male peers.
This conversation followed quickly on the heels of a discussion about the use of the word “Daddy” in sexualized contexts (including by lesbians), which – I confess – baffles me. Though it’s not something she craves (today), it is, T says, something she totally understands – as a sort of conjuring of an omnipotent, benevolent protector.
As a man who has spent a lifetime chasing women who remind him of his mother, as a guy with a richly developed Oedipus complex (and an appreciation of its power), I simply can’t imagine calling, wanting to call, a woman I fuck “Mommy.” And, a legacy of my upbringing, I don’t see a fundamental difference in the male vs. the female experience, and so can’t imagine, can’t fathom, a woman’s wishing to call a man whose cock she’s sucking “Daddy.” And neither can I imagine, as a guy, reacting with anything other than revulsion when called “Daddy” by a woman with my cock in or near any part of her body.
So guys, how alone am I? How do you think about these two questions – your mom as slut/whore/virgin, and the use of the term “Daddy.” Do you think as I do? Differently? How? Why?
And women, what are your thoughts? How does all this work for you? How do you relate to imagining your dads as sexual creatures? And how do you think about the term “Daddy”?